I'm out.

Out voted and out sexed.

Jason came home today. My brother came home, and I wasn't expecting too much until the weekend. But what did I expect? I don't exactly know. He needed something to come home to beyond me. It's surreal, the experience he has had, the things he had to endure. I don't even know how to describe it, and every part of me knows I can't. Only he can.

I told him that things haven't changed since he left. I wanted to drink our silly heads off tonight, our first reunion since he came home. But he saved himself from any type of drunken stupor. Saved himself for a girl. Admirable, but unexpected at the same time.

I can see where he is coming from. I have the greatest girl ever. Her random surprises of flowers and Newcastle beer are awesome. She is everything I had hoped and more. She is my everything.

Who wouldn't want to come home to that? I trust Jason. With everything I have. His choices are his own, and he's been scarred before. He knows what he's doing, and while he was away he had grown up more than me. Become more mature. I am jealous. I am...still naive. But he has come home to what he wanted. 

I met her, briefley. She seems nice. And caring. And understandting. But it's too early to tell.

And if she turns out to be bad, hardly anything I say will matter.

Or will it? If he's changed, things I do say will matter...I dunno. I'm a little drunk, and confusing myself.

I am still learning.  Please bare with me, Jack. Letting go is harder than I thought.

Till Next Time

The past few days have been pretty rough.

That's a pretty big understatement, really.

Let's start with Monday when it all started. I woke up from a pretty stellar weekend feeling pretty good about myself. I had pulled off a surprise party for Jackie with a lot of help, gotten some new clothes, ate some good food and ultimately had a good time. When I woke up Monday morning, the last thing I expected was some rando-douche facebooking me about a movie review I recently did. It was pretentious, albeit partially right, what he was saying. Still, who the hell facebooks someone from another university telling them to "write better?" Christ.

So, that got under my skin. If this guy, some random dude was reading my stuff and thinking it sucked, who else is? Am I a laughing stock? I know my writing hasn't been up to par latley. I've been trying to correct it, but when your best friend agrees with the douche, it hurts. A lot. It angers tothe point of over thought. And I have been thinking a lot.

From there I proceeded to Tuesday, thinking the day would just get better. No go. The cloud of second guessing myself stayed there, all day. Classes were alright, but I just didn't feel like being there. It's not like anything I was doing was half assed. On the contrary, my document design piece recieved high praise. But I just kept second guessing myself. My confidence is totally shot. I don't know if what I am doing is right anymore. All because of some comments from Monday.

So Tuesday afternoon rolls around and it turns out Gamestop doesn't sell PC games. They weren't open at 9am when I went, and they weren't any help at 3pm. I drive down the road to NAPA to see where I can quickly get my car fixed. At this point, I am super fed up with everything. I want to go away. I bring my car a few blocks down the road and the guy gives it a temporary fix. Sweet, at least it's not over heating. It'll probably cost me a hundred bucks or so to fix entireley, which I guess is alright.

I make my way to Best Buy only to find the game I am searching for doesn't come out until Wednesday. WTF? It says Oct. 21 everywhere on the internet. What the fuck is wrong with the world? I end up buying a game that I had mild interest in, and it's turning out to be a fun distraction. I am going to get the game I initially wanted tonight. However, I bought a slip for my laptop and guess what? I tried sipping it up and the ZIPPER BROKE. UGH. I have to go to Best Buy anyway to get the game, but now I have to return this stupid slip cover for the lap  top.

Jackie and I go have dinner about an hour later, but we don't have much to talk about. Her new job is good, but she is super tired all the  time now. I miss when she was at the Bookstore and I could just go see her at random times during the day. This job is good for her, though. It has lots of potential, and not many jobs require you to put in 10.5 hour days, 5 days a week. She's tough, and she'll work out a good schedule for her self. But I'm afraid that we won't ever find time for eachother, and when we do, it'll either be on the weekends or a little time at night. Hopefully she gets used to her schedule because I need her support more than she realizes. At the same time, I don't want to be an inconvience. Being a burden is not high on my priority list.

So, now it's Wednesday and I am venting on the blog, which helps. My grandma has lung cancer, but they say she'll be fine, with no chemo. Just another thign to worry about. I'm going to get gray hair before I'm 25. Wouldn't be so bad...George Clooney looks good with peppered hair.

In my head I can see my problems. In my head, I can see how to get past them. In my head, I am Uzumaki Naruto, giving out battle cries like a paper boy gives out papers. I want to just punch my problems away, get over it and move on. I wish I wasn't so stubborn that I feel like I have to PUNCH my problems instead of moving around  them somehow. But that's who I am. In my head, it's much more dramatic. I need to get my confidence back. I know I can stand on my own. I think I may have gotten a little too dependant. Live and learn, I suppose.

Vince Lombardi said "It does not matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get back up." If I can just get up one more time than my problems, than I can beat them. I will win.

I will win.

Till Next Time